So, Benedict Cumberbatch was in town last week.  No one seems to know why.  Could he have been drawn in by the allure of the incomprehensibly famous Bubblegum Alley?  Perhaps it was the siren’s call of the hot-pink madhouse known as the Madonna Inn that brought the internet’s current favorite Englishman to our sleepy town?  Maybe he heard that Oprah says it’s the happiest place in America (I think it’s been too long since Oprah has had to struggle to make a rent or mortgage payment, but I digress).  I have my own idea.  I think he was checking on Moriarty.

Not this guy. Also, uh… spoilers?

I’m going to be honest with you.  This post isn’t really about Benedict Cumberbatch or Sherlock.  Well, that isn’t entirely correct.  In a sort of sideways, distant-cousin-you-sometimes-see-at-weddings way, it is about Sherlock.  Mostly, it isn’t.  If you’re looking for a quick hit to satisfy your BBC addiction, I can only assume you became distracted on your way to Tumblr.  God speed, Sherlockians.

This post is actually about something that isn’t getting half as much press as I think it should, if only for the pure gobsmacky goodness (or badness) of it all.  You see, San Luis Obispo County, CA has its very own criminal “mastermind.”  I think he’s hilarious.

This guy.

I suspect it’s the small-town, trust-your-neighbors mentality that is to blame for the fact that no one seems to have batted an eye when a man named Al Moriarty set up a financial services business called Moriarty Enterprises.  Yes, this actually happened.  People just started trusting him with their money, and he acquired a significant fortune.   Not surprisingly, in May of 2013, Moriarty was arrested and charged with fraud and embezzling more than ten million dollars.  From what I’ve read, it was a pretty typical Ponzi scheme.  

This is the point in the story where my brain sort of… breaks.  Who  trusts a man named Moriarty with their money?  In the Sherlock Holmes universe, Professor Moriarty is the ultimate criminal.  He’s the anti-Holmes; a brilliant criminal.  The character has appeared in dozens of radio, film, and television adaptations.    How can you not associate that name with criminal behavior?  To me, trusting your money to a man named Moriarty is the same as taking your dog to be boarded at Deville Kennels or hiring Lecter Catering for your next classy dinner event.  I’m not saying that people with the surname Moriarty are inherently bad.  That would be absurd.   I might be suggesting it’s not a name that would inspire a great deal of trust regarding the security of my retirement investments, and I wasn’t at all surprised when he (allegedly) turned out to be a crook.

If that isn’t enough, the continuing story is even weirder.  Recently, it was revealed that Moriarty had to dismiss his lawyer.  Evidently, the defense’s case ran into problems when it was discovered that his lawyer cannot practice law in the state of California.  It turns out that being in trouble with the law can result in being suspended from practicing law.  Who knew?  I’m sure he seemed completely trustworthy when they met.  Did I mention they met in jail?  It’s really too bad he’s off the case.  Since Moriarty is also charged with operating without the required licenses and certifications, his attorney might have had some interesting insight into the case.

On an unrelated note, I’m thinking of changing my surname to Gekko and starting my own investment firm.  I don’t have any experience, and I only have $300 in savings, but I do work in an accounting office.  That counts, right?  Feel free to send me your money.  I promise not to defraud and/or embezzle.